Thursday, June 30, 2005

Putin a thief?!

I thought our Russian correspondent would get a kick out of this.

Kraft says he gave Super Bowl ring as gift to Putin

Sunday, June 26, 2005

An apology is in order

It's not often that I use this space to make a public apology - but Shaquille O'Neill has been waiting for one for too long. Because of this urgency, I have chosen this page, rather than my normal outlets in the New York Times or Christian Science Monitor, to make that apology. I used to make fun of the Big Aristotle for being stupid, and was chastised by RomeotheBT. I felt bad at the time, but refrained from public apology. But after reading this, I feel the need to set the record straight - I am impressed (even if it is the University of Phoenix).

Friday, June 24, 2005

Abuse of eminent domain like this article reports is deplorable. It's bad enough that the government seizes a good portion of your income... but now your property?

More Tom Cruise meltdown

All I'm saying is that Katie Holmes must either be the most tolerant woman in the world or be so star-struck that she can ignore Tom Cruise's increasingly bizarre behavior. You, our Loyal Readers, must remember my previous post about Tom Cruise's bizarre claims about psychology. Well, it was not an abberation. This time he did it on such a small venue as the Today Show. I'm sure nobody was watching.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

What are some people thinking

I'm just not sure how some people get into the prominent jobs. You'd think that to become the head of something like a professional sports league, you would have to have some sort of tact, or at least a clue. I will leave final judgement to you, the Loyal Reader. The best part of the article is the last paragraph, though - so at least read it that far.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

How To Make Baseball Better!

It occurred to me while watching the Florida Gators beat Nebraska in the College World Series that if I were the Major League Baseball commissioner one of the first things that I would do is change to aluminum bats. PING! College baseball is awesome because they use aluminum bats. PING! Can you imagine the ratings increase if baseball became all about offense as opposed to boring pitcher's duels? Need proof? Just look at the ratings of baseball as some slugger approaches the home run record. I bet more people can name the home run leader for each League than the pitcher with the lowest ERA. Low scores are boring! That is why soccer is such a mind-numbing snooze fest. 21-19 games are AWESOME! Can you imagine Barry Bonds going for his 190th home run... with 10 games left in the season!

Bud Selig... listen to me. Baseball would be far better off by ditching the purists and actually putting out a product that people would enjoy watching! And while you're at it... make the juice legal in baseball... actually you should encourage it. People are far more likely to watch a 240 pound Jason Giambi go for his 10th home run of the game than watching spindly Pedro Martinez pitch a shut out. Trust me on this one!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The beauty of Hoggetowne

It's been a while since I've posted and for this I apologize. I have long since left Miami behind and it will forever linger only as a distance memory of a far away place. And by far away I mean a place where you don't see pick up trucks with "Support Our Troops" yellow flag magnets on the back. Or at least not thew ones that say "Git Er Done" in the middle of the loop!

"SUV guilt just doesn't exist"

Interesting concept - with a few funny quotes in it!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

How would you like to be the reporter given this assignment?

Here's the scene - you're a junior reporter for a Major News Organization. You want to be Woodward. You want to be Bernstein. What's that? Staff meeting? At 11:30? You're on it!

[5 minutes later]
EDITOR: Smith, you've got the Michael Jackson case. Johnson, you've got the John Bolton case. Schmidt, you've got the "Asian twins nude for free" website profile. [please forgive my google-enhancing reference]
YOU: When, oh when, is he going to give me my assignment?
EDITOR: You, you're on this new breaking story. Get ready to get your hands dirty!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Proof the NBA sucks

Maybe the NBA should go on strike as a matter of strategy - it's the only way they'll get any coverage amidst the apathy of the masses.

Update [6/16/05]: Here's another strategy for battling apathy! Enrage the masses!

Monday, June 13, 2005

An Open Letter to Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,
I just read in the news that you have converted to Scientology. Now, I have followed your career from a distance, mainly thinking that you were hot on Dawson's Creek and wondering if the guy from American Pie sang to you about the twisted wreckage of his career (don't sweat me Chris, I haven't been on TV since my appearance on the Bozo Show). But I feel now I have to intervene. Now, I am not one of those crazy superfans who is opposed to you dating Tom Cruise. In fact, I kind of like it because I am slowly coming to grips with my own aging process and I'd like to think that at some point I could be like him and score with hot, young actresses. But I have to say, you are going a bit far here. I mean, he already likes you and he knows that after you, he can't go to another hot young actress without being labelled a chronic cradle robber who creeps decent people out (like Michael Jackson). People will tolerate this behavior from him once - after this it's career suicide, and he has to go the other way to show he's openminded, like by dating Farrah Fawcett. In other words, you are his last hot piece of ass for a LONG time if he knows what is good for him. And I know you grew up with his poster on the wall, and you've played that scene from Cocktail out in your mind OVER AND OVER again since you first discovered your tub's 'massage' spray, but I'm imploring you to consider your position of power. You don't HAVE to do this to keep him happy. And the fact is, Scientology is crazy-talk made up by a science-fiction writer. I mean, HE WROTE SCIENCE FICTION. It's amazing to me that people went from knowing that he wrote science fiction to thinking he had been endowed with accurate knowledge of the overarching structures of life, the universe, and everything without pausing to consider the probability of that. Now, if Tom Cruise wants to fritter his reputation away to a bunch of self-promoting crazies, that's fine [about half-way down]. He's got to be virtually indestrucable in a financial sense by now. But you are still young, and you could still Willie Nelson out if you aren't careful. So please, for the sake of your cinematic legitimacy, at least PRETEND to be an individual for a while longer rather than a month into relationship.
Best,
Ricardo Grande

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Who Cares?!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

You heard it hear first

Years from now we are going to find out that Howard Dean is actually in fact undercover from some extremist right-wing fanatical group. I mean... come on... he can't possibly believe some of the crap that comes out of his mouth?! Can he? In his latest assault on the Democratic Party... yes I meant Democratic Party... Dean said of the Republican Party "They all behave the same. They all look the same. It's pretty much a white Christian party." Nice going Governor! I bet if you took a look at the demographic of YOUR party you'd find out that it's majority white and majority Christian.

You see... Dean... maybe you should temper some of that youthful exuberance of yours with a little thought before you open your mouth. "WE'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA AND TEXAS AND NEW YORK AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO SOUTH DAKOTA AND OREGON AND WASHINGTON AND MICHIGAN AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON D.C. TO TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE... YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" If you tried that, it might actually be possible for you to win people over without alienating an even larger part of your previous constituency.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Cingular Sucks!

Cingular and UPS have to be the worst companies in the history of business. It is astounding to me how these two entities haven't already imploded into their own atrocious practices.

UPS could take the cake for shitty day to day operations in that I can't remember a single delivery where UPS hasn't screwed something up. Like when I knew that a delivery for me was going to be dropped to the wrong address (or more specifically that "The University Of Florida, Gainesville, Florida may be a little too vague for a shipment) and UPS told me there had to be a delivery attempt before I could change the delivery address. Or like leaving me a first delivery notice only to find out that they sent the package back to the sender immediately after that. Or like when I came into their delivery center to pick up a package... armed with both the delivery slip (with my name on it) and a driver's license... also with my name on it (albeit with a different address). It took a manager to finally release my package to me because the address on my license didn't match up with the address for the delivery.

So what can Brown do for me? Brown can try not being a colossal fuck up!

As for Cingular, they may not match UPS on sheer volume of piss poor service, but they sure do make up for it in quality. Have you tried changing the amount of minutes you want to use per month? Don't... it won't go into effect for three or four billing cycles... and maybe, just possibly... I'm not sure... I may have signed up for another two year duty with them... I just don't know.

I had a ridiculously large bill from Cingular that I thought naively that they may be able to make disappear entirely. I actually got so far as having a quarter of it comped until I spoke with another Cingular rep (supposedly a manager) who decided to get all vindictive with me... so he rescinded the offer not but 15 after it was given to me.

I logged onto Cingular's website because I wanted to change some of my personal information (address etc...) as I am going to be moving soon. I started updating everything I could until I happened to notice a couple of pre-checked boxes. The boxes were confirming that "Yes, I'd like Cingular and other third-parties to send me promotions via text-messaging, regular mail, phone messaging, and email". They must assume that every time you update something in your profile you forgot that you'd like these boxes checked. So I unchecked the four boxes and proceeded. After hitting update I reviewed the summary only to find out that... Cingular decided it was better for me to get spam advertisements from them and from other third parties... so they went ahead and rechecked the boxes for me.

Nice going Cingular... if it weren't for the fact that I'm shackled to your miserable company for 7 more years I'd tell you to go Fuck Off and chuck your piece of shit phone into the nearest river. Ce La Vie!

Big Brother Watch

Enough Said.

What is really astounding about this plan is the tax amount itself. I know that is the amount in the UK... but if it really ended up being $2.44 per mile, wouldn't that essentially eliminate driving? With an average one-way commute distance of 16 miles, who is going to pay thirty nine dollars to commute one way to work?

And let's not overlook the fact of how creepy the idea is of the government being able to track you whenever you are in your car.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Storms last night

Last night we had some wicked storms going on. Serious thunder and lightning. I woke up to the thunder at about 4AM... but even if the thunder didn't wake me up... my little man jumping up on the bed and plowing underneath the sheets would have done the trick.

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