Monday, June 13, 2005

An Open Letter to Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,
I just read in the news that you have converted to Scientology. Now, I have followed your career from a distance, mainly thinking that you were hot on Dawson's Creek and wondering if the guy from American Pie sang to you about the twisted wreckage of his career (don't sweat me Chris, I haven't been on TV since my appearance on the Bozo Show). But I feel now I have to intervene. Now, I am not one of those crazy superfans who is opposed to you dating Tom Cruise. In fact, I kind of like it because I am slowly coming to grips with my own aging process and I'd like to think that at some point I could be like him and score with hot, young actresses. But I have to say, you are going a bit far here. I mean, he already likes you and he knows that after you, he can't go to another hot young actress without being labelled a chronic cradle robber who creeps decent people out (like Michael Jackson). People will tolerate this behavior from him once - after this it's career suicide, and he has to go the other way to show he's openminded, like by dating Farrah Fawcett. In other words, you are his last hot piece of ass for a LONG time if he knows what is good for him. And I know you grew up with his poster on the wall, and you've played that scene from Cocktail out in your mind OVER AND OVER again since you first discovered your tub's 'massage' spray, but I'm imploring you to consider your position of power. You don't HAVE to do this to keep him happy. And the fact is, Scientology is crazy-talk made up by a science-fiction writer. I mean, HE WROTE SCIENCE FICTION. It's amazing to me that people went from knowing that he wrote science fiction to thinking he had been endowed with accurate knowledge of the overarching structures of life, the universe, and everything without pausing to consider the probability of that. Now, if Tom Cruise wants to fritter his reputation away to a bunch of self-promoting crazies, that's fine [about half-way down]. He's got to be virtually indestrucable in a financial sense by now. But you are still young, and you could still Willie Nelson out if you aren't careful. So please, for the sake of your cinematic legitimacy, at least PRETEND to be an individual for a while longer rather than a month into relationship.
Best,
Ricardo Grande

3 Comments:

At 10:01 AM, Blogger Ricardo Grande said...

I can't believe I didn't get a post on this. I spent forever on it. Sometimes I wonder why I try.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger romeotheBT said...

I'm sorry, I thought it was hilarious. I have been lacking in internet time to come up with an appropriate reply.

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger Ricardo Grande said...

Ahhh, thanks. I just needed some acknowledgement. That's the most effort I've put into the blog in a while. Did you read the Spiegel interview? Tom Cruise really sounds crazy in it. Pretty funny/odd.

 

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