Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Not flying Air France, are you?

Enjoy Italy! Bee-yotch!

Snakes on a plane

I'm a pretty hardcore aviaphobe. I'm not sure if those around me really know the extent to which flying makes me uncomfortable, but there is a reason I haven't been on a plane in more than 3 and a half years. I have a flight to Europe in two days... in fact 48 hours from now, I'll be in up the air... that is if the plane isn't lying in a mangled fiery wreck on the ground. Tony Kornheiser may have written a shitty and inflammatory article about Jacksonville, but I do feel for him. I know the feeling of dread that comes up when my boss starts mentioning work in cities that are too far to drive. Apparently a twelve hour drive to Baltimore makes it not one of them.

I know the statistics behind flying and how colossally safe it is. I know that you're more likely to die in a car accident... or die in the bathtub... or die choking on a turkey sandwich... blah... blah... blah. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference. I made this analogy and I really like it. The same reason that I will occasionally play the lottery is the same reason that I am afraid to fly. And it's that no matter what the odds are. No matter how much they are stacked against you. I still feel like it could be my lucky day and that one in five million chance will either bring you riches... or a fiery death. It's a pretty fucked up way of thinking and I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that it's almost one in the morning and I'm typing a blog entry about my fear of flying.

I guess it could be worse. I think my wife was afraid that I would get to the airport and not get on the plane. I'll fly... it just isn't pleasant.

This is the plane that Romeo Del Toro will be flying over the pond.

My friend at General Electric (for those that don't know they make engines for this particular brand of plane) insists these planes are perfectly safe. It's not that I don't believe him... it's just that I picture bolts popping out of the joint between the wing and fusealage and seeing a wing shear off shortly before I plummet six miles down to my watery grave all while traveling at approximately 550 miles an hour.

I think there is something wrong with people who aren't afraid to fly.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Jackass 2

There's a new Jackass movie coming out. I'll be the first to admit that deep down I think the prospect of a naked midget in a grocery cart getting rolled down a hill is hilarious. The new preview features Johnny Knoxville blindfolded getting run over by a bull. Good stuff, but it doesn't take it nearly far enough for my tastes. Here's how I would roll if I were in charge of making that movie.

I'd have Johnny Knoxville dress up in a bicycle helmet and some water wings and a thong. The rest of the gang would be behind me, giggling, knowing something funny is about to go down. I'd walk up to him and shoot him in the kneecap with a handgun. Hilarity would ensue. Now all I've got to do is sit back and wait for the phone call from MTV movies. Trust me, I've got plenty of other funny ideas like that.

Thoughts on this weekend

I don't think this weekend showed us a whole lot in regards to college football... well at least beyond the fact that Cal didn't even remotely belong in the top ten. Florida looked okay. They seemed like they had too much trouble moving the ball in the first half. People keep telling me that Southern Miss is actually a pretty good team with a really good defense. I guess I just miss the good old days when you could count on Florida hangning up fifty points on the whipping boys that we would bring in for the first couple of games. Oh well, no sense living in the past.

Florida State-Miami was a mess. It looked like two awesome college defenses going up against two high school offenses, or I-AA offenses (sorry Colorado). In case you didn't read the wrap up, there was three total yards rushing... between both teams. That's spectacular. For the love of God, Bobby Bowden... if you value your legacy, please fire whichever of your sons is calling your offense and bring in a new coordinator. You can wait till after Florida plays you though.

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